For the Bride: Choosing Your Maid of Honor Part 1

Okay, you've followed the advice of the past two posts and have narrowed down your dearest companions to the group you really want to stand up for you. Now you need a maid/matron of honor or two.

First off, let me clear up a misconception I hear a lot: maid and matron of honor mean exactly the same thing, just the former isn't married and the latter is (I use the term "maid" generically through most of this blog just for ease, by the way). You don't need one of each and are free to have two or more of either or both if you want. A friend of mine had some family conflict when she chose her maid of honor, so she just made all three bridesmaids maids and matrons of honor to make everyone happy. In other words, do whatever works for you!

So, how do you decide if you want more than one (assuming you aren't in the same uncomfortable situation as my friend was, of course)? Once again, there are some pros and cons to both.

Unless your maid of honor candidates get along really well it may be hard to get them to work together. Conflicting personalities, jealousy, and more factor in heavily here, much more than for your regular bridesmaids, since they both have the right to make a lot of decisions. Having one point person can really make your life simpler, as a good maid of honor will keep most of the bridesmaid issues out of your purview and simply update you on important news. When there are two or more you may have to deal with them complaining about each other and competing for your attention and approval. Think sibling rivalry.

If they have complimentary personalities and work well together, you will have struck gold. Two (or more) minds mean more creativity (especially since they can bounce ideas off of and inspire each other) and a stronger support system for the bride. Also, neither will be as stressed as they would have been going it alone, which is nice for both them and you!

What you should be most careful to avoid is making someone maid of honor when you know she won't keep up with her end of things while the other one has to pick up the slack. Seriously, that is an excellent way to risk ruining a friendship with the one who does all the work, since it's hard not to resent someone sharing all the glory without making the effort.

In most cases I think it's best to have a benevolent dictatorship when it comes to maid of honor, so one is the right number. However, there are plenty of situations that call for two and you need to figure that out according to who is right for the job.

For the Bride: Choosing Your Attendants Part 2

Okay, so now you've decided on the size of your ideal bridal party and it's time to figure out how to fit your beloved friends and relatives into that puzzle. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

1. Who could I never imagine getting married without? If I were having a very intimate ceremony who would be the first on the guest list, or if I was eloping with witnesses only who would I want to act in that capacity?
2. Who has really stood by me in the bad times, putting up with my every mood swing and issue?
3. Who has cheered me on most in the good times, without jealousy or cattiness?
4. Who do I see myself staying friends with for life?
5. Who plays well with others?
6. Who do I really trust?
7. Who has the ability to participate, financially and time-wise, without my having to feel guilty about every choice (like your dream bridesmaid dresses) or even asking her in the first place?

A lot of people seem to say you should automatically start with your oldest friends and sisters, but I think that's only true if they fit the criteria above. There is no reason to ask a childhood friend that you don't talk to regularly, just as you shouldn't automatically exclude your new best friend just because you haven't been friends for ages. Nor should you ask a sister who has never supported you or is the type to get in your way. If you have issues with someone already it's pretty likely that there will be problems over the year or so of your planning.

If you are not doing opposite-gender-included bridal parties and your groom has sisters and/or close female friends he wants included, make him run through the same list of questions. Same goes for other relatives (like your mother for future mother-in-law) who make bridesmaid requests.

Look at this as an opportunity to really explore your friendships and figure out which ones are for the long haul, just as you did when choosing your groom! After all, you WILL be looking at these pictures for life.

For the Bride: Choosing Your Attendants Part 1

N.B.: This blog is mostly for maids/matrons of honor and bridesmaids, but I've been asked a lot lately about this subject, so I thought it might be good to do a series of posts on this difficult and all-important decision process.

So, he's popped the question (or you mutually decided to get married) and you've been celebrating with your friends and family. Every woman you know is likely pestering you about being in the wedding and you haven't even picked a date!

Of course, you don't want to hurt feelings and everyone seems to have an opinion in this matter. Slow down, take a breath - it's time to dig down and do something that is very hard to do, rank your friendships and make some tough decisions.

Whether you have always seen yourself with a small bridal party or a massive gaggle of giggling girls, there are a lot of choices to be made before you ask a single person. Still, you need to start with deciding on this. There are a few advantages and disadvantages to having any size:

Small Bridal Party Advantages

1. Only your nearest and dearest are in the bridal party, so you know their qualities and limitations intimately.
2. Choosing a dress is easier when there are less body types involved. If you are allowing your bridesmaids to pick their own dresses (with or without limitations on color, length, style, etc.) you will end up with less variety and a more coordinated look.
3. You have less presents to buy, which can either save you money or allow you to splurge on each woman if you have the budget. If you like, you can more easily cover expenses like hair styling, manicures and pedicures, and professional makeup if their look is really important to you.
4. It's much easier to make beauty appointments for a small group.
5. You and your maid of honor will have a much easier time wrangling all the women.
6. Your maid of honor will have to consult with less people about pre-wedding parties.
7. You will have less individual personalities to deal with and are less likely to have conflict between bridesmaids.
8. Being asked to be a bridesmaid is much more of an honor, since so few make the cut.

Small Wedding Party Disadvantages

1. All the pre-wedding party planning falls on less shoulders and there will likely be less money in the kitty for them.
2. You will have less people to call on for help with wedding planning.
3. There are more likely to be hurt feelings due to leaving people out.

Large Wedding Party Advantages

1. You can include anyone who matters to you and your groom and accommodate family requests, like the cousin you were close to as a kid but haven't seen in a while who your mother thinks it's a travesty to exclude.
2. Pre-wedding parties are more likely to be on the extravagant side (depending on the financial status of your friends and norms of your social sphere, of course) since there are more people to contribute and invite.
3. You will have plenty of help available any time you need it (could also be a disadvantage, but let's look on the positive side of this).
4. You don't have to worry about hurt feelings within your circle of close friends.

Large Wedding Party Disadvantages

1. Getting all the bridesmaids to do anything will be much harder, individually or as a group.
2. Your maid(s) of honor will have a LOT more work wrangling everyone and more of that job will likely fall on your shoulders.
3. You will have to buy loads of attendants gifts.
4. Making appointments for everyone's beauty care will be harder, especially if you are going to a salon instead of bringing pros in. With a large group you may have to be worked on in shifts, which could take a long time. It would also be very expensive to treat the whole bridal party, if that's something you would like to do.
5. Taking pictures will take a lot longer than with a small group, as each person in a photo exponentially makes it more difficult to get "the shot" (think about people yawning, coughing, making weird faces, etc.).
6. All those personalities working together can make for a lot of conflict, especially when it comes to planning pre-wedding parties and other group decisions. Too many cooks in the kitchen, anyone?

I'm sure there are more points to consider for each bride and her own situation, but hopefully I've covered the basics and made you think a little. It's easy to make these decisions early and without considering the implications, so take a little extra time before asking and make sure your plan will work for you. Once you've asked someone to participate there is no going back, after all!

Anyone out there have any pros or cons to add?