The Helpful Friend Outside the Wedding Party

I don't know most of my sister's current friends. Before wedding planning started we saw each other once every year or so since we're both really busy and live a few hours apart, so whenever we DID get together we usually didn't hang out with anyone else so we could catch up in peace. I, of course, had heard about most of them, but until she made me maid of honor and gave me the contact information for her bridesmaids I didn't have any faces to put with the stories. I'm still getting to know them and it's fun, even if sometimes they drive me batty.



My hands-down favorite person, though, is not a bridesmaid at all. She harbors no grudges about it and is totally into helping me as if she was an attendant, it's just amazing! Granted, we really hit it off, I rarely have so much in common with a woman and I hope we stay friends well beyond the wedding (she said the same thing, too), so I'm sure that's part of why she is willing to do so much. She also dearly loves my sister and would do anything for her, which endears her to me even more.



Last night, after the bachelorette fiasco of finding out the restaurant was not going to work out, I called her up to commiserate with me (she was really excited about going there). Then I took a chance and asked if she had any ideas. I had come up with a few from online searches but thought it would be smart to ask a local, and wouldn't you know it? She immediately said her first choice would be the same one I had picked as my first choice on my list!



Since we were clicking on the food ideas I figured I should ask her about places to go bar-hopping, which is a hard task because most guests are in their 30s-40s and there is one 19 year old in the mix. Without a second thought she spouted out a bunch of places that sound perfect for us! She said she's going to write up a list and we'll figure out a good itinerary together for the night when I get back from vacation.I can't tell you how much better I feel now! She's taken away so many of my worries and I think this may actually work out to be a great party (again).



Plus, the restaurant we picked is already open!

Rant: Bachelorettes Can Be a Real Pain (especially in the wallet)

So, I had all these great ideas for my sister's bachelorette party. It all started with her desire to conceive a child as soon as possible after the wedding. I thought taking a private belly dancing class would be both fun and sort of a good-fertility-luck symbol, since I've heard belly dancing started as a way to prepare women for childbirth. I researched teachers, found one I loved in the town the party was supposed to be in who even had a studio we could use, and then everything fell apart. The wedding date had to be moved and that ended up changing where we would be for the bachelorette. Fine. Not to mention that no one else seemed to get why this would be fun to do (the bride was not consulted, it was supposed to be a surprise).

Then I remembered how much she loves the most local casino and thought, hey, why don't we go there for the weekend? Well, her fiance really doesn't like to sleep without her, so she doesn't want to stay away for the weekend or even a night.

My next favorite idea was to rent a karaoke suite, but they don't seem to exist around her. Saturday night isn't a great time to go to a karaoke bar, especially in a small city. Nix that one!

So, she requested a night of bar-hopping. Okay, totally cool, but to me that means we need a limo. I am not letting anyone drink and drive, my mother was killed by a drunk driver and the last thing we need during wedding week is a tragedy of any kind. She had given me a list of about 16 guests, so I found some party buses that could accommodate that many.

I decided we should start the night with dinner and chose a new fondue restaurant because a) there aren't many cool restaurants in her area, and b) cheese, chocolate, and women seemed like a winning combination. Everyone involved with planning was happy, the only thing was the restaurant was slated to open only 3 weeks before the party and was still under construction.

Luckily, I decided to hold off on booking anything because the bridal shower was a guest fiasco. Less than half the invitees responded and only 3 of my sister's friends showed up (and only 1 was a bridesmaid!). Let's just say I don't trust this crowd, and I know so few of them it's not like I talk to anyone if it's not wedding-related.

I sent out the invites and waited. The RSVP date passed and I hadn't heard from a single person except my best friend (who also is friends with sis) who I already knew couldn't come. Seriously, no one called. It took me five days to track down even the bridesmaids and I still don't have a phone number for 4 potential guests. I'm basically stuck at 6-11 guests as the count.

Still, that's enough to book the limo and I think I managed to snag the last stretch SUV in the area, now that we don't need a bus. I'm really scared we'll end up at 6, though, and that means I am probably going to have to cover most of the bill, which really freaks me out!

Soon after my phone rings. It's the owner of the restaurant telling me weather has basically stopped their construction and he probably won't be open on time.

So, I've got less than a month to get this thing together in a city I barely know that I won't be back to until the party itself, plus I have to go away for a week in the interim. It's amazing to think that I started working on this about a year ago and still am barely through the first lap!

Will I actually be able to pull this off somehow?

5 Stages of Joy

So, one of the beloved women in your life read the past few posts and decided you were the best choice for maid of honor, congratulations! If you are anything like me, you can't stop smiling and want to learn everything you can about being the best maid of honor possible. You feel like a million dollars, both that your friend, sister, or maybe cousin is marrying the man she loves and that she decided to honor you in that way.



It's like the "5 Stages of Joy", instead of grief. Actually, it's kind of like what a bride goes through, only you're more likely to experience it multiple times (I hope) and it's to a lesser extent, of course.



Stage 1, Elation: You are so honored and feel the strongest bond with the bride that you've ever experienced with her. Everything about the wedding is great, the sky's the limit and you're going to have so much FUN!



Stage 2, Research: You find that whatever else you may have been doing or planned on doing when you go online you somehow end up looking at bridesmaid dresses, looking up ideas for bachelorette parties and bridal showers, or even blogs like this one. You may even start writing your toasts. If you are involved with wedding planning a lot this time is a big bonus, although it may interfere with your job, relationships, studies, or hobbies.



Stage 3, Fear: All the things you've read make you realize that there is a LOT to do. Suddenly 6 months to 2 years doesn't seem like a long time. The more involved you are and the smaller the bridal party the more fear there is, and it's legitimate.



Stage 4, Panic: You start toting up the numbers. Man, this stuff costs a lot. Unless you have a super-thrifty bride or a wealthy one who is covering a lot of things, the dress is likely to be over $100 and often quite a bit more. That's before alterations or shoes, strapless bras, nails, hair, or makeup. Showers can cost quite a bit, even if you do everything you can to ease the pain. Bachelorettes can run even higher, even though the costs tend to be split by the guests (except the guest of honor), even just a night of bar-hopping with a designated driver from in your group can run to quite an expense, and it only goes up from there. Will the bridesmaids pull their weight or is this going to end up all on your plate? Oh, yes, there's so many variables to what you will be dealing with!



This can easily be exacerbated if you don't know the bridal party at all or are a major part of planning.



Stage 5, Acceptance: It's okay, you have awhile to work all of this out and you're going to have a good time doing it. You can find ways to make it all more reasonable and find at least a person or two you can rely on. You will have a lot of laughs along the way to relieve the unavoidable stresses. It's not just going to be okay, it's going to be great! Sure, things will go awry and you'll have to put out the fires, but you can handle it. There's work to do and it will get done by the time it needs to if you just budget your time well for awhile and do it. Now, let's get started!

For the Bride: Choosing Your Maid of Honor Part 2

Choosing who to elevate most of all your loved ones may be one of the hardest choices you have to make or it may be obvious because you have one special person who fits the bill. Still, there are a lot of factors that many brides don't consider until it's too late.

In my last post I got a little side-tracked on the number of maids of honor, so here's my advice on choosing one. You've already run her through the list of bridesmaid questions, right? So here's another list of questions you should think about specifically when it comes to this all-important job. Remember, your choice of maid of honor can affect your wedding more than any other decision but who you are marrying, so don't be afraid to take some time and really soul-search on this one.

1. Who is the first person I call with good or bad news and cares the most about me?
2. If I could only have one person at my wedding (beyond parents), who would that be?
3. Who is the most reliable person I know?
4. Who is the most organized person I know? Your maid of honor is your right-hand woman and you really need her to be up to the job.
5. Who is least likely to create more drama than necessary?
6. Who is able to manage the amount of people in your bridal party without pissing them all off? This requires charm, finesse, and an open mind.
7. Who can get bossy when needed without being an out-and-out bitch about it?
8. Who has the time for this? As the person most involved after you, your groom (actually, maids of honor are often more involved than any guy), and your families you really don't want to ask someone who is going to blow you off due to commitments. This doesn't mean you shouldn't ask a busy friend, they are often the most organized people and best able to prioritize their time properly, but if she tends to cancel out on plans a lot or doesn't return phone calls she won't suddenly start just because you are getting married.
9. Who would get along best with your mother and/or future mother-in-law? Generally, maids of honor will have to communicate with the mothers on the bridal shower and more, so it's helpful if that relationship can be as close to conflict-free as possible. Bonus points for already having a good relationship with one or both mothers! If you have some mother issues (like domineering mothers who want to control everything), make sure your maid of honor is willing and able to stand up for what you want.
10. Along the same lines, who is the best diplomat? This is especially important for large bridal parties. Your maid of honor is most effective if she is able to work with everyone and make sure no one feels excluded, without compromising on what you need or want.
11. Who is most excited for your wedding? Never underestimate the power of enthusiasm.
12. Who gets along with the groom and supports your upcoming marriage wholeheartedly?
13. Who throws a great party? If your maid of honor is experienced at entertaining she will have a much easier time getting everything together, not just for the pre-wedding parties but in all matters of working with and for a group.
14. Who is comfortable with speaking in front of a group? Modern traditions include a toast from the maid of honor at the wedding, rehearsal dinner, and bridal shower. That means a two- to five-minute speech, so you don't want to make someone do something that really freaks her out if you can avoid it.

If those questions don't make your choice clear, move onto these less-important but still helpful ones:

1. Whose fashion sense do you trust? You want your maid of honor to be perfectly honest with you about your own gown, the bridesmaid dresses, and maybe even things like your choice of linens. You do not want someone who tries to preserve your feelings by telling you everything is gorgeous when it's not flattering at all! After all, you want to look and feel your absolute best on wedding day and an honest friend can help that happen. Mirrors at stores are know to lie and when you've looked at a million products your head can become clouded. This is where your maid of honor needs to step in and help you figure out what's best for you.
2. Along the same lines, who is brutally honest with you? If you surround yourself with "yes-women" you won't get the feedback that helps on any topic. I'm not saying you would ever want someone who puts you down, quite the opposite, but you need to know that she states her mind.
3. Who has a good support system herself? If a woman has a strong family, great friends, and/or a helpful significant other it can make all the difference in how much she can support you. On a personal note, I could never do this without the support of my boyfriend and father, my boyfriend has been helping out with chores and such and my father has given and loaned me some extra cash for wedding-related stuff that's a little beyond my own reach.
4. Who is good at selling? I don't mean she has to work in sales or anything, but you do want someone who can sell her ideas to a group and get everyone on board with the plans.
5. Who has the best taste in everything? It seems like everyone has that one friend who always knows the right food to serve, the perfect wine to compliment it, or just the most artfully decorated home, sort of the Martha Stewart type. These talents can be invaluable to any bride.

If you've gone through all this and still just can't decide, post your considerations in the comments and maybe we can figure it out together.

For the Bride: Choosing Your Maid of Honor Part 1

Okay, you've followed the advice of the past two posts and have narrowed down your dearest companions to the group you really want to stand up for you. Now you need a maid/matron of honor or two.

First off, let me clear up a misconception I hear a lot: maid and matron of honor mean exactly the same thing, just the former isn't married and the latter is (I use the term "maid" generically through most of this blog just for ease, by the way). You don't need one of each and are free to have two or more of either or both if you want. A friend of mine had some family conflict when she chose her maid of honor, so she just made all three bridesmaids maids and matrons of honor to make everyone happy. In other words, do whatever works for you!

So, how do you decide if you want more than one (assuming you aren't in the same uncomfortable situation as my friend was, of course)? Once again, there are some pros and cons to both.

Unless your maid of honor candidates get along really well it may be hard to get them to work together. Conflicting personalities, jealousy, and more factor in heavily here, much more than for your regular bridesmaids, since they both have the right to make a lot of decisions. Having one point person can really make your life simpler, as a good maid of honor will keep most of the bridesmaid issues out of your purview and simply update you on important news. When there are two or more you may have to deal with them complaining about each other and competing for your attention and approval. Think sibling rivalry.

If they have complimentary personalities and work well together, you will have struck gold. Two (or more) minds mean more creativity (especially since they can bounce ideas off of and inspire each other) and a stronger support system for the bride. Also, neither will be as stressed as they would have been going it alone, which is nice for both them and you!

What you should be most careful to avoid is making someone maid of honor when you know she won't keep up with her end of things while the other one has to pick up the slack. Seriously, that is an excellent way to risk ruining a friendship with the one who does all the work, since it's hard not to resent someone sharing all the glory without making the effort.

In most cases I think it's best to have a benevolent dictatorship when it comes to maid of honor, so one is the right number. However, there are plenty of situations that call for two and you need to figure that out according to who is right for the job.

For the Bride: Choosing Your Attendants Part 2

Okay, so now you've decided on the size of your ideal bridal party and it's time to figure out how to fit your beloved friends and relatives into that puzzle. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

1. Who could I never imagine getting married without? If I were having a very intimate ceremony who would be the first on the guest list, or if I was eloping with witnesses only who would I want to act in that capacity?
2. Who has really stood by me in the bad times, putting up with my every mood swing and issue?
3. Who has cheered me on most in the good times, without jealousy or cattiness?
4. Who do I see myself staying friends with for life?
5. Who plays well with others?
6. Who do I really trust?
7. Who has the ability to participate, financially and time-wise, without my having to feel guilty about every choice (like your dream bridesmaid dresses) or even asking her in the first place?

A lot of people seem to say you should automatically start with your oldest friends and sisters, but I think that's only true if they fit the criteria above. There is no reason to ask a childhood friend that you don't talk to regularly, just as you shouldn't automatically exclude your new best friend just because you haven't been friends for ages. Nor should you ask a sister who has never supported you or is the type to get in your way. If you have issues with someone already it's pretty likely that there will be problems over the year or so of your planning.

If you are not doing opposite-gender-included bridal parties and your groom has sisters and/or close female friends he wants included, make him run through the same list of questions. Same goes for other relatives (like your mother for future mother-in-law) who make bridesmaid requests.

Look at this as an opportunity to really explore your friendships and figure out which ones are for the long haul, just as you did when choosing your groom! After all, you WILL be looking at these pictures for life.

For the Bride: Choosing Your Attendants Part 1

N.B.: This blog is mostly for maids/matrons of honor and bridesmaids, but I've been asked a lot lately about this subject, so I thought it might be good to do a series of posts on this difficult and all-important decision process.

So, he's popped the question (or you mutually decided to get married) and you've been celebrating with your friends and family. Every woman you know is likely pestering you about being in the wedding and you haven't even picked a date!

Of course, you don't want to hurt feelings and everyone seems to have an opinion in this matter. Slow down, take a breath - it's time to dig down and do something that is very hard to do, rank your friendships and make some tough decisions.

Whether you have always seen yourself with a small bridal party or a massive gaggle of giggling girls, there are a lot of choices to be made before you ask a single person. Still, you need to start with deciding on this. There are a few advantages and disadvantages to having any size:

Small Bridal Party Advantages

1. Only your nearest and dearest are in the bridal party, so you know their qualities and limitations intimately.
2. Choosing a dress is easier when there are less body types involved. If you are allowing your bridesmaids to pick their own dresses (with or without limitations on color, length, style, etc.) you will end up with less variety and a more coordinated look.
3. You have less presents to buy, which can either save you money or allow you to splurge on each woman if you have the budget. If you like, you can more easily cover expenses like hair styling, manicures and pedicures, and professional makeup if their look is really important to you.
4. It's much easier to make beauty appointments for a small group.
5. You and your maid of honor will have a much easier time wrangling all the women.
6. Your maid of honor will have to consult with less people about pre-wedding parties.
7. You will have less individual personalities to deal with and are less likely to have conflict between bridesmaids.
8. Being asked to be a bridesmaid is much more of an honor, since so few make the cut.

Small Wedding Party Disadvantages

1. All the pre-wedding party planning falls on less shoulders and there will likely be less money in the kitty for them.
2. You will have less people to call on for help with wedding planning.
3. There are more likely to be hurt feelings due to leaving people out.

Large Wedding Party Advantages

1. You can include anyone who matters to you and your groom and accommodate family requests, like the cousin you were close to as a kid but haven't seen in a while who your mother thinks it's a travesty to exclude.
2. Pre-wedding parties are more likely to be on the extravagant side (depending on the financial status of your friends and norms of your social sphere, of course) since there are more people to contribute and invite.
3. You will have plenty of help available any time you need it (could also be a disadvantage, but let's look on the positive side of this).
4. You don't have to worry about hurt feelings within your circle of close friends.

Large Wedding Party Disadvantages

1. Getting all the bridesmaids to do anything will be much harder, individually or as a group.
2. Your maid(s) of honor will have a LOT more work wrangling everyone and more of that job will likely fall on your shoulders.
3. You will have to buy loads of attendants gifts.
4. Making appointments for everyone's beauty care will be harder, especially if you are going to a salon instead of bringing pros in. With a large group you may have to be worked on in shifts, which could take a long time. It would also be very expensive to treat the whole bridal party, if that's something you would like to do.
5. Taking pictures will take a lot longer than with a small group, as each person in a photo exponentially makes it more difficult to get "the shot" (think about people yawning, coughing, making weird faces, etc.).
6. All those personalities working together can make for a lot of conflict, especially when it comes to planning pre-wedding parties and other group decisions. Too many cooks in the kitchen, anyone?

I'm sure there are more points to consider for each bride and her own situation, but hopefully I've covered the basics and made you think a little. It's easy to make these decisions early and without considering the implications, so take a little extra time before asking and make sure your plan will work for you. Once you've asked someone to participate there is no going back, after all!

Anyone out there have any pros or cons to add?

No Response Rant

Being a bridesmaid or maid of honor is certainly a big job. Even if the bride doesn't want much help, there are still dresses and shoes to buy, parties to plan, hotel rooms and beauty treatments to pay for. I get it, you've got a lot on your plate.

Still, that doesn't mean it's okay to skip the normal guest stuff. Seriously, I realize that the bride knows you're planning to attend the wedding, but you still need to send in that little card (or respond online if applicable). For starters, often the person you are responding to isn't the bride but her parents, and they may not really know who you are or be in contact with you. Secondly, those little response cards are a tool for plotting the seating chart and sometimes planning the meal (our caterer for this wedding needs menu selections by the week before, for example). If you aren't in that pile you can cause a lot of confusion. It's also bad enough that some guests will invariably need to be called for their responses but for a member of the bridal party to create all that extra work is just plain rude!

Same goes for the shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, day-after brunch, or any other parties you are invited to. Unless you are the person who is receiving responses (obviously, you know if you are attending or not) you should make sure to respond, even if you are helping to plan the party.

We ran into this problem with my sister's bridal shower. As maid of honor, I was the main point person on it with a lot of help from the mother of the bride (secretly, of course, for etiquette's sake) and a little help from a bridesmaid and two friends. The other three bridesmaids not only didn't show up but only one bothered to let me know she couldn't make it! Yup, true story. My poor sister had two members of the bridal party (including me), two friends of hers, and a whole bunch of her mother's friends attending her shower. Honestly, it was a lovely shower but I felt really bad that her friends were so lame about coming and so few let us know either way that we had to plan the party for anywhere from 15-40 guests! Do you know how hard that is?

If we hadn't been graciously offered the home of a family friend to hold it in it would have been a disaster.

Now I'm sitting here, five days after the RSVP date for her bachelorette party with only one response. Since I'm hiring a limo I really need a head count right away and it's making me very angry that I have to call everyone AGAIN!

So, here's a rule that needs to be lived by, when you get an invitation in the mail, check your calendar and respond immediately. That way you won't forget and you'll be making the lives of many people far easier. Oh, and don't forget to mark the date in your calendar while you're at it!

Lowered Expectations?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I get really offended when I read comments like, "Bridesmaids are only required to buy a dress and show up at the wedding." Now, I get the sentiment, since bridesmaids can be disappointing, but I also hate the thought that our nearest and dearest friends and family should be expected to do so little. I mean, even as a non-bridesmaid friend I've done lots of things for brides, because they are my friends and I love them!

So, it especially bothers me both when I hear about low expectations for any attendants, but especially for maids or matrons of honor. After all, the words "maid" and "honor" convey a certain amount of service AND benefits.

I know very few maids of honor either do or are expected to do as much as I am for this wedding, in my past experiences the bride has needed far less help than my sister, but there is always a lot that can be done to make the bride's planning days and wedding much easier and even more special, and the right woman (or man, really) should do what they can within their means.

Of course, that can mean doing anything from throwing a simple bridal shower in your home or helping the bride make her favors to throwing a lavish bachelorette party in Vegas or just listening to endless hours of chatter about the exact shade of white she wants her dress to be. It's never wise to say yes to anything you can't afford, of course, but that doesn't mean you can't do many things that will make the bride feel as special as she should!

Most important, you should always show off how well you know the bride by tailoring everything to her. For example, for the bachelorette party my sister requested a night of bar-hopping, so I'm hiring a stretch SUV or party bus with a DVD player and bringing all her favorite 80s movies we loved as kids and mix CDs of her favorite tunes from her whole life. She doesn't know anything about that yet and I just know she's going to be so excited! I'm also preparing a bunch of trivia questions about her, getting progressively sillier and more embarassing (roast-style). To save money and prevent mixing-related spills, I'm bottling a few homemade cocktails, sort of a gourmet version of her favorite drinks with fresh juices and such (I haven't decided on the exact recipes yet) for the ride.

What I would really like is to get a karaoke machine for the bus but I haven't found one within the budget. Still trying, though! We've always loved to sing.

Still, the point is that it's really all about her and celebrating the past before she enters her future. Not to mention that a lot of what I'm doing doesn't cost much but will have a big impact.

I got off on a bachelorette tangent, obviously, but my real point is that when you make an effort on anything it will make things nicer for the bride. Whether it's just a nice gesture or actually taking care of some work SHE would otherwise have to do you can rather easily be an exceptional MOH.

Especially if the snarky posters on message boards of a certain well-known wedding site are to be believed and attendants aren't pulling their weight these days!

Welcome!

I've been thinking about starting this blog for a long time and it kind of makes me laugh that I actually am when there's only 1 month, 1 week, and 2 days left until The Wedding. Still, the further things go with this wedding the more I have to say and the more I get annoyed that there isn't much out there for the good Maid of Honor, the kind that really wants to step up not just stand up at that altar. There are a million sites and blogs on being a bride! I also see far too many people saying that the only real responsibility a bridesmaid or even MOH has is to buy the dress and show up for the ceremony. That personally offends me, and I feel that there should be better representation of those of us who help the bride, wrangle the 'maids, and throw some killer parties to boot!

"Monster of Honor" is really just a joke with some of my friends and my sister's friends. At least, they say it's a joke! I'm all hyper-organized (for the first time in my life) and basically am working as an amateur wedding planner for my sister. Since I'm naturally sort of a lazy slob with a busy life, trust me, I know anyone can be good at all the work a MOH should do! The wedding planning part is a bit much, a full-time job, really, but I'm enjoying myself immensely, especially since it means I have to talk to my sister a lot and that's a lot of fun.

So, whether you are a MOH yourself looking for tips, a bride trying to pick or work with one (or more), or just a randomly interested person who stumbled across this, I hope you find something useful or at least entertaining here! Let me know if you do. :)