5 Stages of Joy

So, one of the beloved women in your life read the past few posts and decided you were the best choice for maid of honor, congratulations! If you are anything like me, you can't stop smiling and want to learn everything you can about being the best maid of honor possible. You feel like a million dollars, both that your friend, sister, or maybe cousin is marrying the man she loves and that she decided to honor you in that way.



It's like the "5 Stages of Joy", instead of grief. Actually, it's kind of like what a bride goes through, only you're more likely to experience it multiple times (I hope) and it's to a lesser extent, of course.



Stage 1, Elation: You are so honored and feel the strongest bond with the bride that you've ever experienced with her. Everything about the wedding is great, the sky's the limit and you're going to have so much FUN!



Stage 2, Research: You find that whatever else you may have been doing or planned on doing when you go online you somehow end up looking at bridesmaid dresses, looking up ideas for bachelorette parties and bridal showers, or even blogs like this one. You may even start writing your toasts. If you are involved with wedding planning a lot this time is a big bonus, although it may interfere with your job, relationships, studies, or hobbies.



Stage 3, Fear: All the things you've read make you realize that there is a LOT to do. Suddenly 6 months to 2 years doesn't seem like a long time. The more involved you are and the smaller the bridal party the more fear there is, and it's legitimate.



Stage 4, Panic: You start toting up the numbers. Man, this stuff costs a lot. Unless you have a super-thrifty bride or a wealthy one who is covering a lot of things, the dress is likely to be over $100 and often quite a bit more. That's before alterations or shoes, strapless bras, nails, hair, or makeup. Showers can cost quite a bit, even if you do everything you can to ease the pain. Bachelorettes can run even higher, even though the costs tend to be split by the guests (except the guest of honor), even just a night of bar-hopping with a designated driver from in your group can run to quite an expense, and it only goes up from there. Will the bridesmaids pull their weight or is this going to end up all on your plate? Oh, yes, there's so many variables to what you will be dealing with!



This can easily be exacerbated if you don't know the bridal party at all or are a major part of planning.



Stage 5, Acceptance: It's okay, you have awhile to work all of this out and you're going to have a good time doing it. You can find ways to make it all more reasonable and find at least a person or two you can rely on. You will have a lot of laughs along the way to relieve the unavoidable stresses. It's not just going to be okay, it's going to be great! Sure, things will go awry and you'll have to put out the fires, but you can handle it. There's work to do and it will get done by the time it needs to if you just budget your time well for awhile and do it. Now, let's get started!

For the Bride: Choosing Your Maid of Honor Part 2

Choosing who to elevate most of all your loved ones may be one of the hardest choices you have to make or it may be obvious because you have one special person who fits the bill. Still, there are a lot of factors that many brides don't consider until it's too late.

In my last post I got a little side-tracked on the number of maids of honor, so here's my advice on choosing one. You've already run her through the list of bridesmaid questions, right? So here's another list of questions you should think about specifically when it comes to this all-important job. Remember, your choice of maid of honor can affect your wedding more than any other decision but who you are marrying, so don't be afraid to take some time and really soul-search on this one.

1. Who is the first person I call with good or bad news and cares the most about me?
2. If I could only have one person at my wedding (beyond parents), who would that be?
3. Who is the most reliable person I know?
4. Who is the most organized person I know? Your maid of honor is your right-hand woman and you really need her to be up to the job.
5. Who is least likely to create more drama than necessary?
6. Who is able to manage the amount of people in your bridal party without pissing them all off? This requires charm, finesse, and an open mind.
7. Who can get bossy when needed without being an out-and-out bitch about it?
8. Who has the time for this? As the person most involved after you, your groom (actually, maids of honor are often more involved than any guy), and your families you really don't want to ask someone who is going to blow you off due to commitments. This doesn't mean you shouldn't ask a busy friend, they are often the most organized people and best able to prioritize their time properly, but if she tends to cancel out on plans a lot or doesn't return phone calls she won't suddenly start just because you are getting married.
9. Who would get along best with your mother and/or future mother-in-law? Generally, maids of honor will have to communicate with the mothers on the bridal shower and more, so it's helpful if that relationship can be as close to conflict-free as possible. Bonus points for already having a good relationship with one or both mothers! If you have some mother issues (like domineering mothers who want to control everything), make sure your maid of honor is willing and able to stand up for what you want.
10. Along the same lines, who is the best diplomat? This is especially important for large bridal parties. Your maid of honor is most effective if she is able to work with everyone and make sure no one feels excluded, without compromising on what you need or want.
11. Who is most excited for your wedding? Never underestimate the power of enthusiasm.
12. Who gets along with the groom and supports your upcoming marriage wholeheartedly?
13. Who throws a great party? If your maid of honor is experienced at entertaining she will have a much easier time getting everything together, not just for the pre-wedding parties but in all matters of working with and for a group.
14. Who is comfortable with speaking in front of a group? Modern traditions include a toast from the maid of honor at the wedding, rehearsal dinner, and bridal shower. That means a two- to five-minute speech, so you don't want to make someone do something that really freaks her out if you can avoid it.

If those questions don't make your choice clear, move onto these less-important but still helpful ones:

1. Whose fashion sense do you trust? You want your maid of honor to be perfectly honest with you about your own gown, the bridesmaid dresses, and maybe even things like your choice of linens. You do not want someone who tries to preserve your feelings by telling you everything is gorgeous when it's not flattering at all! After all, you want to look and feel your absolute best on wedding day and an honest friend can help that happen. Mirrors at stores are know to lie and when you've looked at a million products your head can become clouded. This is where your maid of honor needs to step in and help you figure out what's best for you.
2. Along the same lines, who is brutally honest with you? If you surround yourself with "yes-women" you won't get the feedback that helps on any topic. I'm not saying you would ever want someone who puts you down, quite the opposite, but you need to know that she states her mind.
3. Who has a good support system herself? If a woman has a strong family, great friends, and/or a helpful significant other it can make all the difference in how much she can support you. On a personal note, I could never do this without the support of my boyfriend and father, my boyfriend has been helping out with chores and such and my father has given and loaned me some extra cash for wedding-related stuff that's a little beyond my own reach.
4. Who is good at selling? I don't mean she has to work in sales or anything, but you do want someone who can sell her ideas to a group and get everyone on board with the plans.
5. Who has the best taste in everything? It seems like everyone has that one friend who always knows the right food to serve, the perfect wine to compliment it, or just the most artfully decorated home, sort of the Martha Stewart type. These talents can be invaluable to any bride.

If you've gone through all this and still just can't decide, post your considerations in the comments and maybe we can figure it out together.

For the Bride: Choosing Your Maid of Honor Part 1

Okay, you've followed the advice of the past two posts and have narrowed down your dearest companions to the group you really want to stand up for you. Now you need a maid/matron of honor or two.

First off, let me clear up a misconception I hear a lot: maid and matron of honor mean exactly the same thing, just the former isn't married and the latter is (I use the term "maid" generically through most of this blog just for ease, by the way). You don't need one of each and are free to have two or more of either or both if you want. A friend of mine had some family conflict when she chose her maid of honor, so she just made all three bridesmaids maids and matrons of honor to make everyone happy. In other words, do whatever works for you!

So, how do you decide if you want more than one (assuming you aren't in the same uncomfortable situation as my friend was, of course)? Once again, there are some pros and cons to both.

Unless your maid of honor candidates get along really well it may be hard to get them to work together. Conflicting personalities, jealousy, and more factor in heavily here, much more than for your regular bridesmaids, since they both have the right to make a lot of decisions. Having one point person can really make your life simpler, as a good maid of honor will keep most of the bridesmaid issues out of your purview and simply update you on important news. When there are two or more you may have to deal with them complaining about each other and competing for your attention and approval. Think sibling rivalry.

If they have complimentary personalities and work well together, you will have struck gold. Two (or more) minds mean more creativity (especially since they can bounce ideas off of and inspire each other) and a stronger support system for the bride. Also, neither will be as stressed as they would have been going it alone, which is nice for both them and you!

What you should be most careful to avoid is making someone maid of honor when you know she won't keep up with her end of things while the other one has to pick up the slack. Seriously, that is an excellent way to risk ruining a friendship with the one who does all the work, since it's hard not to resent someone sharing all the glory without making the effort.

In most cases I think it's best to have a benevolent dictatorship when it comes to maid of honor, so one is the right number. However, there are plenty of situations that call for two and you need to figure that out according to who is right for the job.

Lowered Expectations?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I get really offended when I read comments like, "Bridesmaids are only required to buy a dress and show up at the wedding." Now, I get the sentiment, since bridesmaids can be disappointing, but I also hate the thought that our nearest and dearest friends and family should be expected to do so little. I mean, even as a non-bridesmaid friend I've done lots of things for brides, because they are my friends and I love them!

So, it especially bothers me both when I hear about low expectations for any attendants, but especially for maids or matrons of honor. After all, the words "maid" and "honor" convey a certain amount of service AND benefits.

I know very few maids of honor either do or are expected to do as much as I am for this wedding, in my past experiences the bride has needed far less help than my sister, but there is always a lot that can be done to make the bride's planning days and wedding much easier and even more special, and the right woman (or man, really) should do what they can within their means.

Of course, that can mean doing anything from throwing a simple bridal shower in your home or helping the bride make her favors to throwing a lavish bachelorette party in Vegas or just listening to endless hours of chatter about the exact shade of white she wants her dress to be. It's never wise to say yes to anything you can't afford, of course, but that doesn't mean you can't do many things that will make the bride feel as special as she should!

Most important, you should always show off how well you know the bride by tailoring everything to her. For example, for the bachelorette party my sister requested a night of bar-hopping, so I'm hiring a stretch SUV or party bus with a DVD player and bringing all her favorite 80s movies we loved as kids and mix CDs of her favorite tunes from her whole life. She doesn't know anything about that yet and I just know she's going to be so excited! I'm also preparing a bunch of trivia questions about her, getting progressively sillier and more embarassing (roast-style). To save money and prevent mixing-related spills, I'm bottling a few homemade cocktails, sort of a gourmet version of her favorite drinks with fresh juices and such (I haven't decided on the exact recipes yet) for the ride.

What I would really like is to get a karaoke machine for the bus but I haven't found one within the budget. Still trying, though! We've always loved to sing.

Still, the point is that it's really all about her and celebrating the past before she enters her future. Not to mention that a lot of what I'm doing doesn't cost much but will have a big impact.

I got off on a bachelorette tangent, obviously, but my real point is that when you make an effort on anything it will make things nicer for the bride. Whether it's just a nice gesture or actually taking care of some work SHE would otherwise have to do you can rather easily be an exceptional MOH.

Especially if the snarky posters on message boards of a certain well-known wedding site are to be believed and attendants aren't pulling their weight these days!