For the Bride: Choosing Your Attendants Part 2

Okay, so now you've decided on the size of your ideal bridal party and it's time to figure out how to fit your beloved friends and relatives into that puzzle. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

1. Who could I never imagine getting married without? If I were having a very intimate ceremony who would be the first on the guest list, or if I was eloping with witnesses only who would I want to act in that capacity?
2. Who has really stood by me in the bad times, putting up with my every mood swing and issue?
3. Who has cheered me on most in the good times, without jealousy or cattiness?
4. Who do I see myself staying friends with for life?
5. Who plays well with others?
6. Who do I really trust?
7. Who has the ability to participate, financially and time-wise, without my having to feel guilty about every choice (like your dream bridesmaid dresses) or even asking her in the first place?

A lot of people seem to say you should automatically start with your oldest friends and sisters, but I think that's only true if they fit the criteria above. There is no reason to ask a childhood friend that you don't talk to regularly, just as you shouldn't automatically exclude your new best friend just because you haven't been friends for ages. Nor should you ask a sister who has never supported you or is the type to get in your way. If you have issues with someone already it's pretty likely that there will be problems over the year or so of your planning.

If you are not doing opposite-gender-included bridal parties and your groom has sisters and/or close female friends he wants included, make him run through the same list of questions. Same goes for other relatives (like your mother for future mother-in-law) who make bridesmaid requests.

Look at this as an opportunity to really explore your friendships and figure out which ones are for the long haul, just as you did when choosing your groom! After all, you WILL be looking at these pictures for life.

For the Bride: Choosing Your Attendants Part 1

N.B.: This blog is mostly for maids/matrons of honor and bridesmaids, but I've been asked a lot lately about this subject, so I thought it might be good to do a series of posts on this difficult and all-important decision process.

So, he's popped the question (or you mutually decided to get married) and you've been celebrating with your friends and family. Every woman you know is likely pestering you about being in the wedding and you haven't even picked a date!

Of course, you don't want to hurt feelings and everyone seems to have an opinion in this matter. Slow down, take a breath - it's time to dig down and do something that is very hard to do, rank your friendships and make some tough decisions.

Whether you have always seen yourself with a small bridal party or a massive gaggle of giggling girls, there are a lot of choices to be made before you ask a single person. Still, you need to start with deciding on this. There are a few advantages and disadvantages to having any size:

Small Bridal Party Advantages

1. Only your nearest and dearest are in the bridal party, so you know their qualities and limitations intimately.
2. Choosing a dress is easier when there are less body types involved. If you are allowing your bridesmaids to pick their own dresses (with or without limitations on color, length, style, etc.) you will end up with less variety and a more coordinated look.
3. You have less presents to buy, which can either save you money or allow you to splurge on each woman if you have the budget. If you like, you can more easily cover expenses like hair styling, manicures and pedicures, and professional makeup if their look is really important to you.
4. It's much easier to make beauty appointments for a small group.
5. You and your maid of honor will have a much easier time wrangling all the women.
6. Your maid of honor will have to consult with less people about pre-wedding parties.
7. You will have less individual personalities to deal with and are less likely to have conflict between bridesmaids.
8. Being asked to be a bridesmaid is much more of an honor, since so few make the cut.

Small Wedding Party Disadvantages

1. All the pre-wedding party planning falls on less shoulders and there will likely be less money in the kitty for them.
2. You will have less people to call on for help with wedding planning.
3. There are more likely to be hurt feelings due to leaving people out.

Large Wedding Party Advantages

1. You can include anyone who matters to you and your groom and accommodate family requests, like the cousin you were close to as a kid but haven't seen in a while who your mother thinks it's a travesty to exclude.
2. Pre-wedding parties are more likely to be on the extravagant side (depending on the financial status of your friends and norms of your social sphere, of course) since there are more people to contribute and invite.
3. You will have plenty of help available any time you need it (could also be a disadvantage, but let's look on the positive side of this).
4. You don't have to worry about hurt feelings within your circle of close friends.

Large Wedding Party Disadvantages

1. Getting all the bridesmaids to do anything will be much harder, individually or as a group.
2. Your maid(s) of honor will have a LOT more work wrangling everyone and more of that job will likely fall on your shoulders.
3. You will have to buy loads of attendants gifts.
4. Making appointments for everyone's beauty care will be harder, especially if you are going to a salon instead of bringing pros in. With a large group you may have to be worked on in shifts, which could take a long time. It would also be very expensive to treat the whole bridal party, if that's something you would like to do.
5. Taking pictures will take a lot longer than with a small group, as each person in a photo exponentially makes it more difficult to get "the shot" (think about people yawning, coughing, making weird faces, etc.).
6. All those personalities working together can make for a lot of conflict, especially when it comes to planning pre-wedding parties and other group decisions. Too many cooks in the kitchen, anyone?

I'm sure there are more points to consider for each bride and her own situation, but hopefully I've covered the basics and made you think a little. It's easy to make these decisions early and without considering the implications, so take a little extra time before asking and make sure your plan will work for you. Once you've asked someone to participate there is no going back, after all!

Anyone out there have any pros or cons to add?

Lowered Expectations?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I get really offended when I read comments like, "Bridesmaids are only required to buy a dress and show up at the wedding." Now, I get the sentiment, since bridesmaids can be disappointing, but I also hate the thought that our nearest and dearest friends and family should be expected to do so little. I mean, even as a non-bridesmaid friend I've done lots of things for brides, because they are my friends and I love them!

So, it especially bothers me both when I hear about low expectations for any attendants, but especially for maids or matrons of honor. After all, the words "maid" and "honor" convey a certain amount of service AND benefits.

I know very few maids of honor either do or are expected to do as much as I am for this wedding, in my past experiences the bride has needed far less help than my sister, but there is always a lot that can be done to make the bride's planning days and wedding much easier and even more special, and the right woman (or man, really) should do what they can within their means.

Of course, that can mean doing anything from throwing a simple bridal shower in your home or helping the bride make her favors to throwing a lavish bachelorette party in Vegas or just listening to endless hours of chatter about the exact shade of white she wants her dress to be. It's never wise to say yes to anything you can't afford, of course, but that doesn't mean you can't do many things that will make the bride feel as special as she should!

Most important, you should always show off how well you know the bride by tailoring everything to her. For example, for the bachelorette party my sister requested a night of bar-hopping, so I'm hiring a stretch SUV or party bus with a DVD player and bringing all her favorite 80s movies we loved as kids and mix CDs of her favorite tunes from her whole life. She doesn't know anything about that yet and I just know she's going to be so excited! I'm also preparing a bunch of trivia questions about her, getting progressively sillier and more embarassing (roast-style). To save money and prevent mixing-related spills, I'm bottling a few homemade cocktails, sort of a gourmet version of her favorite drinks with fresh juices and such (I haven't decided on the exact recipes yet) for the ride.

What I would really like is to get a karaoke machine for the bus but I haven't found one within the budget. Still trying, though! We've always loved to sing.

Still, the point is that it's really all about her and celebrating the past before she enters her future. Not to mention that a lot of what I'm doing doesn't cost much but will have a big impact.

I got off on a bachelorette tangent, obviously, but my real point is that when you make an effort on anything it will make things nicer for the bride. Whether it's just a nice gesture or actually taking care of some work SHE would otherwise have to do you can rather easily be an exceptional MOH.

Especially if the snarky posters on message boards of a certain well-known wedding site are to be believed and attendants aren't pulling their weight these days!